About the Blog / Sobre o Blog

[Português]
* O propósito deste blog
É ajudar e aconselhar quem precisar.
Ou apenas em caso de precisares de alguém que oiça.

* Como contactar...
- Apenas verifica a entrada de blog e comenta

* Eu falo português e sobretudo inglês
Um pouco de espanhol
E a aprender holandês.

* Por isso quando te sentires sozinho/a
Ou com necessidade de alguém que oiça ou aconselhe
Eu irei colocar um endereço de email aqui
(Só para isso)
No caso de não quereres expôr-te ao público.

NOTA IMPORTANTE :
Este blog não visa ser um substituto
de ajuda profissional.
Sou somente uma pessoa que gosta de ajudar,
ouvir e dar alguns conselhos.

--------------------------------

[English]
* The purpose of this blog is :
To help and advice whoever needs.
Or just in case you need someone to listen.

* How to contact...
- Just check the blog post and comment

* I speak portuguese and mostly english
A bit of spanish.
And learning dutch.

* So, when you feel alone
Or in need for someone to listen or advice
Just check it and leave a comment
I'll put a email adress there (just for that)
In case you don't want to expose in public

IMPORTANT NOTE : Blog is not a replacement
For professional help.
I'm just a person who likes to help,
Listen and to give some advices.

Chapter Three

I have this white folder…
With these memories
I am finally willing to share them with you
I am not afraid anymore.

(…) They would sing once in a while
“You’re so hot, you’re so hot….!”
They'ld joke and burst out LAUGHING.
I would look at them and go away...
Then secretly start crying.

…As for the area I was in,
I decided to stay after doing quite some tests.
As for religion at the time
I was agnostic nearly atheist.
I was angry and revolved
At a lot of things in those times….

According to the notes on the folder
I had multiple breakdowns
More than what I used to remember out of this.
Some of the memories got blurry or lost.
Others were too much to be erased.

Note :
Now that I put the pieces together
I am starting to figure out stuff...
Depression...it already was walking
With me back then.
It only got more obvious after some events...

Piece :
(...) It was exausting, from telling me to disappear
To go away from the class until saying that
I was dumb because
I chose an instrument instead of another.

So...I ran away as fast as I could
As I didn't wanted for anyone
To see me or even hear me.
To the bathroom. They were screaming my name...
I was crying...I closed the door of a cabin
When someone kicked the door hard.
I fell to the floor, crying even harder
(With pain...the door had hit me right in the head)
It was a small space in there...
The person who kicked the door lend a hand,
For me to get up.
I felt sleepy the rest of the day.

Another piece :
In total I slept four hours
And I feel like a rag ...
(...) I'm ruining myself on the inside
And occasionally on the outside
When I don't sleep or eat ;
...You don't deserve to listen
Nor even read this because
Probably you expect so much more from me
And I'm trying and I don't know
If it'll be enough (...)

(...) To what I wrote to my bf (the ex)
And what he wrote me on the school paper
Someone added next to his name "boi" ,
Next to mine "feia" e torta
(ugly and "torta" = someone who does not walk straight])
And below both "casal do ano" (couple of the year) .
I was devastated, more than what I expected...

Blurry Memories :
I used to hate myself out
Of many things that people told me
I used to hurt myself in many ways...
When I didn't had blades,
I'ld dig my nails into my arm...
Anything to take the pain away.

Chapter One

School was tough.
Well let's be specific, people were.
Many times I wanted to skip class...but I couldn't.
In that time I had suicidal thoughts already on 9th grade
(Due to that day when
I was nearly beaten up at the bus stop)

Through out the years....
The thoughts stood there.
I thought pessimistic
Was a part of my personality.

Oh lord. It.just.wasn't!
Don't convince yourself of that like I did......
Like people made me saw constantly...

Flaws!
And that's how my “self consciousness”
Was badly born.
Don't go for the same mistake...do not listen

Try to embrace your imperfections
And your so called flaws seen
and pointed by others.
Someone out there loves you or will love you.
Or will at least accept you. (L)

Self Injury I

The Beginning...
I've been a self injurer since my 10th grade...
Currently I'm out of highschool.

I still remember how it started.
This one night and me with a pocket knife in my hands...
...Another night alone
And feeling left out...
New school and I wasn't "fitting in".
I felt like I did not belong and like my Life...
It was falling appart...
I was not a popular girl,
Which made things rather hard.

(Guess we all go
through that once in a while,
now that I look into it)

At that time I had threats of people...
That they would take me to the hospital.
Did not stop me. Although bracelets
And wristbands couldn't hide it all the time.
The urge to cut was still there,
The knife was still with me at the time.

"I felt like nothing was in place,
Not even myself
Or my commited
but really troubled relationship at the time ".

...Why am I telling this?

It eases me...
And for whoever that reads this,
I don't know if you can somehow relate or not

- I sincerely hope in a part "not"
Because I wouldn't like
Or even want anyone
To go through this sort of things.

- If you can...
Take your time to read....
Spread the word.
Start changing...or at least helping.

Another thought
I saw a video about a person who used to cut
It made me think about....

* If I have someone by my side...
A love, a partner, other half
How would I tell him what I've done to myself
Over the years ?
How would he react to seeing marks
Scars even , in my body ?

* If I have a child or two
How would I answer the curious questions
Of how the scars shown up
Or on what happened...
On what I had done and why I had done it.

Wouldn't be good for them to know
That his/her mom was a cutter.
Wouldn't be good, as children
See their parents as their role model...

But now read this carefully,
I made a lot of crap.
I've cut and still have relapses.
I still have breakdowns, I will not lie
BUT one thing is for sure :

My to-be child will have support
She or he will not be alone ;
Because school can be tough
Unlike what many people think.
Some people don't even take it seriously
The ones who know are probably
Who went through those things.

I don't know
If you agree with me on this one...

But I know it,
So I'll be at least speaking for myself.
Because I understand!
And no, just because I was
or maybe still am a self injurer.

Does not mean the child will follow that.
In fact my family had a big impact on me
When it came to try to stop.
Believe me, they are the ones
Who are hurt the most.
And last, but not least...
I will protect whoever I love
Or prevent anything bad of happening
I don't intend on failing in this one.

And listening...?
It may have more of an effect
Than what people think.

Pov : Best Friends II

I needed some time
To think through about this subject...
My definition before it turned out
To this one on the previous post
Has gone through many changes ;

Explanation :
As we developt or even face certain situations
Our thoughts change
And we all end up growing up.
At least that happened to me...

I had quite some "backstabbing" situations,
Mind me to say it
It is awful the "knives in your back" sensation...

But it has a lesson along with it :
Never fully trust people specially
If you don't know them for THAT long.
People can be unpredictable.

So, in any case of a back stabbing,
Use those "knives"
1. To learn something out ofthe mistake,

2. Seek for strength and ...

3. Mostly , to learn as well to try
And put sometimes yourself first.

Don't make a priority...
Someone who considers
You an option

From someone who was gave a lot of value
To people who didn't even gave me half of it.
It doesn't make any sense for me to help someone
Who used me as a "punching bag",
Taking all the negativity
and agressive behaviors on me.

Now people,
* If you are facing this either just drop it...
Or let the so-called person calm down
and put his/her ideas in order.
* Don't ever put the blames on yourself.

Speaking by experience,
I did not blame myself in 100%
The other person was wrong.
What I could not avoid was a crisis after.
People...It's just not worth that, believe me!

Finally, you may ask ...
Or wonder if I have a best friend...
I do...have three persons
Really important in my life...

* Key...
Who is really special... (L)
More than a best friend,
I love him lots... (K)

* Dex,
Who was often supporting me
He is caring and he rocks :,)
We started talking on hi5
4/August/2009.
And still talk until today

* Jordan,
Nerdy boy as I used to call him
He is inteligent, caring and random.
We started talking on myspace
And still do until today
We only do not talk on skype
Because mine got ruined :/ lol

* Marisa...
From here, who I know for 7 yrs.
Met her at school due to some coins x,d
Long story (lmao :o)

And as for the rest,
I will keep them in my mind.
You special people
Will know who you are !! (L)
Have a nice day ! ***

Pov : Depression II

" Pain...
Some just feel it,
Some get inspired,
Some fall with too much of it
Some lose and get lost
Some forgive and forget
And others use it... "

(Random thing
That I wrote in there...)

Yesterday night and today I had lets say,
Some turning point events...

* The support email person
I contacted in the past is back
And with new questions
Yes, she does a lot a questions
Regarding my future...

To be honest...
I thought she, as most of my friends, was gone.
Glad to know that I was wrong.
You might even think and ask
"If she does a lot of questions
How does she help" me?

...I believe she makes the questions
I should be asking myself
For example setting up goals and priorities
Giving reasons for my thoughts and my plans
And organizing my confused thoughts
Sometimes the questions can be/are simple...
But somehow they don't immediately
Pop in my head and mind.

* I was on youtube, in fact one of the most
...Triggering songs ever

[I have four songs
That are triggering because they
Take me to certain parts of my life.
But I shall not mention the names]

Which now hasn't got the same strong effect
As before...the feeling is familiar...
I left a comment in there.
Again I wasn't waiting
For much of an answer...

But I had it from the user who posted the video
p.s.: A video posted 3 years ago ;
Then for my surprise
He answered in portuguese
When I asked in english.

Then the wise words
" Yet, that in some cases of depression
You could get much better without really correcting
The sorce of the pain...
But by reflecting, inside analisis
And the construction of the "self"
Saying that medication can speed up
And facilitate the process of recovery
But that that much strength and will was needed
For such ".

Having the right support...
Can make me go through this?
Because I didn't like to go much for meds...
They could indeed speed up the process
But then there is the risk
Of minor to noticeable...side effects.

* Some of my friends from myspace are back
Like one who was gone for months
And some other friends.

* As for my irl friends, my best friend and I
Have been contacting eachother
And I'm considering visit her again...
I'll try to go to the daycare soon as well ;
I feel slightly better when I go there
Because I feel they like me.
You might not understand at first
But to be honest the smiles on their faces...
The joy it's worth it. It's worth t going there.
Because I get some of that joy,
Not even if it is for some minutes or hours.

In the meantime
I got to start planning my life
Someone who I care about,
Someone I called my bestie too,
"Illusive", so you already know who you are...
You will know, you're helping me as well.
...Obrigada !

** Even because it might be confusing
All the upwards and downwards and breakdowns
That I do have.
So and for many more reasons
I sincerely apreciate the support. (L)
God bless.

Pov : What would you do...?

" What
...Do for someone
... You care about and like? "

That will be my question for you now
And I shall give the answer below...
--
A : If it is someone I care about
I do my best to be around and support
As I would certainly like to have the same :,)
That is a first.

Second, Contact...
If he/she is near me, I'd go out
Just for a fun time
Or if the person needs to talk with me.
I just don't leave people behind
I don't go and forget people, unless they want me to.
I won't walk out of his/her life, unless they want to,
Unless they hurt me or if I die.

Third, Sacrifice...
They say there is one person in the world
You would sacrifice your life for...
1. So I'ld do so for my mom.
Then I'ld add to those,
Whoever I love trully. (L)
And my two faithful best friends.

[Mya - My best friend for 6 almost 7 years.
Dip - I hope life someday gives us
The chance to meet eachother
You both helped me through rather dificult times
So I'm thankful and wishing you the best]

Forth, Surprise...
I suppose I would do so
A visit, a letter, a gift, a call...
Something as a reminder...
Something for people to know I'm there
That I care and mainly for them to know
That they are not alone :3 (L)

p.s. I shall add that
...I sometimes secretly wish people could give value
To what I try to do and show...
And notice that I sometimes treat them the way
I'ld somday like to be treated as well.

Sixth, Advice...
Last but not least
Helping, advicing the person(s) ~
In a certain choice or subject

* If it is a rightful path to support

* If it is a "wrong" path, to open his/her eyes
And show possible reasons for the wrong
Then it'll be up for the person
To decide on what to do...

This was my opinion on this matter
I shall write more posts tomorrow
Take care ! **

Pov : The One.

I decided to write this, I really felt like it
The sun shines today without fears
And I feel a little bit better

I'm starting to think the weather has quite a roll
On my depression...
And some post-accident things.
So as I'm feeling slightly better...

の　の
　 へ ς੭ ?

I'm going to leave two questions here
For whoever sees this...

Q: What makes someone so special...
What is your definition of the "One?"

Then I'll post my answer here...

A: I suppose we all know people aren't perfect
Personally, I don't go for muscles and abs.
I don't go for a body . We'll all get old.
A face is not THAT important...
I mentioned this in one of my proses...

Althought you're beautiful [message] inside and out.
[You actually should/have to recognize it more often...]
Even if I have to say it everyday to him.

More...
I see the personality.
I don't go much nor I'm into agressive or flirty guys
I don't see myself as easy kind of girl
But as the cautious...lets say...locked up type.

[Yes, if the readers didn't know,
Now you know...I'm a girl.
A foreign girl].

I prefer someone who is actually caring,
That romantic "crap".... [actions then words]
Who is there for me
And that is faithful...
[I just hate it being used as an object
Or being betrayed in some way]

And I do know there aren't much boys like
What describe.

More...
He does not have to fake
He can be himself, style, attitudes, etc.
If you do/can accept me ,
I accept you.

What I ask is for the person not to hurt me
Even if you decide to leave or give up
Even if you make me cry ...
[Which happened quite some times]
...I'll still be loving you.

Bottom line :
I don't want anyone
To just have "fun" or get psysical with
Or spend some time with.
I intend on sharing
And spending my days,
My life with someone.

The One in one word?
If he ever comes across this... :
You .

Pov : Relapses

"What do you do ...
...When you become too scared
Too scared to Live
Too scared to Die
Too scared to Love
Too scared to even Care?"

Diaries , blogging became a part of me...
There I reveal what I usually do not tell to people.
I needed...I need this .
Not everything is completely perfect
Or painted in bright collors

No one is happy all the time...
Some wear masks to cover it up
As for me...

I can't hide it, it's like they read me
By looking at my eyes
Or reading me like a book.

...I needed to write out everything,
So these words are for anyone who feels like this
It's hard to spill out these type of feelings.

I hesitated long enough, but here goes;
Recognizing and facing situations
Is one step to recovery ...Right?

I wish you would know...
That I miss my smile, my true smile.
I wore it at the Summer of 09, but then I lost it
I am aware of what I've been through.
My mind is a rollercoaster.
I felt like I never recovered it fully.
It's like a wound that's trying to heal

Almost everynight this huge sadness
Appears as a unwanted guest
It makes me feel useless.
It makes me feel worthless.
It makes me feel unpretty and worse.....
It makes me feel like something is constantly wrong
Afraid of a lot of feelings and of people too.
It's in my head, it's in my mind...
My thoughts are my own enemy.

So... I want myself back!
Dot! I want to get back on my feet.
I wasn't like this. This isn't me.

...If it means being treated
In some way, somewhere, so be it.
People just don't see that
I need to do something about it...
It seems like they're blocking/stopping me from it.
I need to change something in my life.
I don't want this to go to a extreme.
It gets to the point when it exausts me!
So I definatly do not want to spend more months
Or even one more year with this.

If someone can relate,
I sincerely hope you get better
And above it, tell me.
I do not judge.
Please...
Let's fight this together.

Pov : Best Friends I

" Everyone hears what you say.
Friends listen to what
You have to say...
Best friends listen
...To what you don't say! "
(A random yet truthful quote that I've found)

I've been thinking about this for some time.
What makes someone from a regular friend
To a best friend?
And more, what defines a best friend?

My answers and opinion on the matter
I had some "best friends" although my life...
Since primary school I had one even
As I mentioned before , I used to isolate already
It was this girl I used to kinda trade messages
And drawings with. I lost contact with her
As we both went to other school.

Then years passed ...
And I didn't have a stable
Bestie, Best Friend Forever (Bff), Best Friend..
Or however you call it...
It's not something you just say and that's it
I mean, like a friend,
A best friend must earn that place.

I personally think that what matters
Is that you have friends.
And if not,
That you have a supporting family

Someone that helps you
In both good and bad times...
That gives you advice,
That supports you in your decisions
And if not, that shows his/her opinion...
Not only for the fun/partying times
But for the serious and hard times too.
Someone you can share your secrets
Your victories and defeats
That does not betray or isn't selfish.
For me, that is my definition of a best friend

(I shall continue
My thoughts in another post...)