Self Injury I

The Beginning...
I've been a self injurer since my 10th grade...
Currently I'm out of highschool.

I still remember how it started.
This one night and me with a pocket knife in my hands...
...Another night alone
And feeling left out...
New school and I wasn't "fitting in".
I felt like I did not belong and like my Life...
It was falling appart...
I was not a popular girl,
Which made things rather hard.

(Guess we all go
through that once in a while,
now that I look into it)

At that time I had threats of people...
That they would take me to the hospital.
Did not stop me. Although bracelets
And wristbands couldn't hide it all the time.
The urge to cut was still there,
The knife was still with me at the time.

"I felt like nothing was in place,
Not even myself
Or my commited
but really troubled relationship at the time ".

...Why am I telling this?

It eases me...
And for whoever that reads this,
I don't know if you can somehow relate or not

- I sincerely hope in a part "not"
Because I wouldn't like
Or even want anyone
To go through this sort of things.

- If you can...
Take your time to read....
Spread the word.
Start changing...or at least helping.

Another thought
I saw a video about a person who used to cut
It made me think about....

* If I have someone by my side...
A love, a partner, other half
How would I tell him what I've done to myself
Over the years ?
How would he react to seeing marks
Scars even , in my body ?

* If I have a child or two
How would I answer the curious questions
Of how the scars shown up
Or on what happened...
On what I had done and why I had done it.

Wouldn't be good for them to know
That his/her mom was a cutter.
Wouldn't be good, as children
See their parents as their role model...

But now read this carefully,
I made a lot of crap.
I've cut and still have relapses.
I still have breakdowns, I will not lie
BUT one thing is for sure :

My to-be child will have support
She or he will not be alone ;
Because school can be tough
Unlike what many people think.
Some people don't even take it seriously
The ones who know are probably
Who went through those things.

I don't know
If you agree with me on this one...

But I know it,
So I'll be at least speaking for myself.
Because I understand!
And no, just because I was
or maybe still am a self injurer.

Does not mean the child will follow that.
In fact my family had a big impact on me
When it came to try to stop.
Believe me, they are the ones
Who are hurt the most.
And last, but not least...
I will protect whoever I love
Or prevent anything bad of happening
I don't intend on failing in this one.

And listening...?
It may have more of an effect
Than what people think.

Pov : Best Friends II

I needed some time
To think through about this subject...
My definition before it turned out
To this one on the previous post
Has gone through many changes ;

Explanation :
As we developt or even face certain situations
Our thoughts change
And we all end up growing up.
At least that happened to me...

I had quite some "backstabbing" situations,
Mind me to say it
It is awful the "knives in your back" sensation...

But it has a lesson along with it :
Never fully trust people specially
If you don't know them for THAT long.
People can be unpredictable.

So, in any case of a back stabbing,
Use those "knives"
1. To learn something out ofthe mistake,

2. Seek for strength and ...

3. Mostly , to learn as well to try
And put sometimes yourself first.

Don't make a priority...
Someone who considers
You an option

From someone who was gave a lot of value
To people who didn't even gave me half of it.
It doesn't make any sense for me to help someone
Who used me as a "punching bag",
Taking all the negativity
and agressive behaviors on me.

Now people,
* If you are facing this either just drop it...
Or let the so-called person calm down
and put his/her ideas in order.
* Don't ever put the blames on yourself.

Speaking by experience,
I did not blame myself in 100%
The other person was wrong.
What I could not avoid was a crisis after.
People...It's just not worth that, believe me!

Finally, you may ask ...
Or wonder if I have a best friend...
I do...have three persons
Really important in my life...

* Key...
Who is really special... (L)
More than a best friend,
I love him lots... (K)

* Dex,
Who was often supporting me
He is caring and he rocks :,)
We started talking on hi5
4/August/2009.
And still talk until today

* Jordan,
Nerdy boy as I used to call him
He is inteligent, caring and random.
We started talking on myspace
And still do until today
We only do not talk on skype
Because mine got ruined :/ lol

* Marisa...
From here, who I know for 7 yrs.
Met her at school due to some coins x,d
Long story (lmao :o)

And as for the rest,
I will keep them in my mind.
You special people
Will know who you are !! (L)
Have a nice day ! ***

Pov : Depression II

" Pain...
Some just feel it,
Some get inspired,
Some fall with too much of it
Some lose and get lost
Some forgive and forget
And others use it... "

(Random thing
That I wrote in there...)

Yesterday night and today I had lets say,
Some turning point events...

* The support email person
I contacted in the past is back
And with new questions
Yes, she does a lot a questions
Regarding my future...

To be honest...
I thought she, as most of my friends, was gone.
Glad to know that I was wrong.
You might even think and ask
"If she does a lot of questions
How does she help" me?

...I believe she makes the questions
I should be asking myself
For example setting up goals and priorities
Giving reasons for my thoughts and my plans
And organizing my confused thoughts
Sometimes the questions can be/are simple...
But somehow they don't immediately
Pop in my head and mind.

* I was on youtube, in fact one of the most
...Triggering songs ever

[I have four songs
That are triggering because they
Take me to certain parts of my life.
But I shall not mention the names]

Which now hasn't got the same strong effect
As before...the feeling is familiar...
I left a comment in there.
Again I wasn't waiting
For much of an answer...

But I had it from the user who posted the video
p.s.: A video posted 3 years ago ;
Then for my surprise
He answered in portuguese
When I asked in english.

Then the wise words
" Yet, that in some cases of depression
You could get much better without really correcting
The sorce of the pain...
But by reflecting, inside analisis
And the construction of the "self"
Saying that medication can speed up
And facilitate the process of recovery
But that that much strength and will was needed
For such ".

Having the right support...
Can make me go through this?
Because I didn't like to go much for meds...
They could indeed speed up the process
But then there is the risk
Of minor to noticeable...side effects.

* Some of my friends from myspace are back
Like one who was gone for months
And some other friends.

* As for my irl friends, my best friend and I
Have been contacting eachother
And I'm considering visit her again...
I'll try to go to the daycare soon as well ;
I feel slightly better when I go there
Because I feel they like me.
You might not understand at first
But to be honest the smiles on their faces...
The joy it's worth it. It's worth t going there.
Because I get some of that joy,
Not even if it is for some minutes or hours.

In the meantime
I got to start planning my life
Someone who I care about,
Someone I called my bestie too,
"Illusive", so you already know who you are...
You will know, you're helping me as well.
...Obrigada !

** Even because it might be confusing
All the upwards and downwards and breakdowns
That I do have.
So and for many more reasons
I sincerely apreciate the support. (L)
God bless.

Pov : What would you do...?

" What
...Do for someone
... You care about and like? "

That will be my question for you now
And I shall give the answer below...
--
A : If it is someone I care about
I do my best to be around and support
As I would certainly like to have the same :,)
That is a first.

Second, Contact...
If he/she is near me, I'd go out
Just for a fun time
Or if the person needs to talk with me.
I just don't leave people behind
I don't go and forget people, unless they want me to.
I won't walk out of his/her life, unless they want to,
Unless they hurt me or if I die.

Third, Sacrifice...
They say there is one person in the world
You would sacrifice your life for...
1. So I'ld do so for my mom.
Then I'ld add to those,
Whoever I love trully. (L)
And my two faithful best friends.

[Mya - My best friend for 6 almost 7 years.
Dip - I hope life someday gives us
The chance to meet eachother
You both helped me through rather dificult times
So I'm thankful and wishing you the best]

Forth, Surprise...
I suppose I would do so
A visit, a letter, a gift, a call...
Something as a reminder...
Something for people to know I'm there
That I care and mainly for them to know
That they are not alone :3 (L)

p.s. I shall add that
...I sometimes secretly wish people could give value
To what I try to do and show...
And notice that I sometimes treat them the way
I'ld somday like to be treated as well.

Sixth, Advice...
Last but not least
Helping, advicing the person(s) ~
In a certain choice or subject

* If it is a rightful path to support

* If it is a "wrong" path, to open his/her eyes
And show possible reasons for the wrong
Then it'll be up for the person
To decide on what to do...

This was my opinion on this matter
I shall write more posts tomorrow
Take care ! **

Pov : The One.

I decided to write this, I really felt like it
The sun shines today without fears
And I feel a little bit better

I'm starting to think the weather has quite a roll
On my depression...
And some post-accident things.
So as I'm feeling slightly better...

の　の
　 へ ς੭ ?

I'm going to leave two questions here
For whoever sees this...

Q: What makes someone so special...
What is your definition of the "One?"

Then I'll post my answer here...

A: I suppose we all know people aren't perfect
Personally, I don't go for muscles and abs.
I don't go for a body . We'll all get old.
A face is not THAT important...
I mentioned this in one of my proses...

Althought you're beautiful [message] inside and out.
[You actually should/have to recognize it more often...]
Even if I have to say it everyday to him.

More...
I see the personality.
I don't go much nor I'm into agressive or flirty guys
I don't see myself as easy kind of girl
But as the cautious...lets say...locked up type.

[Yes, if the readers didn't know,
Now you know...I'm a girl.
A foreign girl].

I prefer someone who is actually caring,
That romantic "crap".... [actions then words]
Who is there for me
And that is faithful...
[I just hate it being used as an object
Or being betrayed in some way]

And I do know there aren't much boys like
What describe.

More...
He does not have to fake
He can be himself, style, attitudes, etc.
If you do/can accept me ,
I accept you.

What I ask is for the person not to hurt me
Even if you decide to leave or give up
Even if you make me cry ...
[Which happened quite some times]
...I'll still be loving you.

Bottom line :
I don't want anyone
To just have "fun" or get psysical with
Or spend some time with.
I intend on sharing
And spending my days,
My life with someone.

The One in one word?
If he ever comes across this... :
You .

Pov : Relapses

"What do you do ...
...When you become too scared
Too scared to Live
Too scared to Die
Too scared to Love
Too scared to even Care?"

Diaries , blogging became a part of me...
There I reveal what I usually do not tell to people.
I needed...I need this .
Not everything is completely perfect
Or painted in bright collors

No one is happy all the time...
Some wear masks to cover it up
As for me...

I can't hide it, it's like they read me
By looking at my eyes
Or reading me like a book.

...I needed to write out everything,
So these words are for anyone who feels like this
It's hard to spill out these type of feelings.

I hesitated long enough, but here goes;
Recognizing and facing situations
Is one step to recovery ...Right?

I wish you would know...
That I miss my smile, my true smile.
I wore it at the Summer of 09, but then I lost it
I am aware of what I've been through.
My mind is a rollercoaster.
I felt like I never recovered it fully.
It's like a wound that's trying to heal

Almost everynight this huge sadness
Appears as a unwanted guest
It makes me feel useless.
It makes me feel worthless.
It makes me feel unpretty and worse.....
It makes me feel like something is constantly wrong
Afraid of a lot of feelings and of people too.
It's in my head, it's in my mind...
My thoughts are my own enemy.

So... I want myself back!
Dot! I want to get back on my feet.
I wasn't like this. This isn't me.

...If it means being treated
In some way, somewhere, so be it.
People just don't see that
I need to do something about it...
It seems like they're blocking/stopping me from it.
I need to change something in my life.
I don't want this to go to a extreme.
It gets to the point when it exausts me!
So I definatly do not want to spend more months
Or even one more year with this.

If someone can relate,
I sincerely hope you get better
And above it, tell me.
I do not judge.
Please...
Let's fight this together.

Pov : Best Friends I

" Everyone hears what you say.
Friends listen to what
You have to say...
Best friends listen
...To what you don't say! "
(A random yet truthful quote that I've found)

I've been thinking about this for some time.
What makes someone from a regular friend
To a best friend?
And more, what defines a best friend?

My answers and opinion on the matter
I had some "best friends" although my life...
Since primary school I had one even
As I mentioned before , I used to isolate already
It was this girl I used to kinda trade messages
And drawings with. I lost contact with her
As we both went to other school.

Then years passed ...
And I didn't have a stable
Bestie, Best Friend Forever (Bff), Best Friend..
Or however you call it...
It's not something you just say and that's it
I mean, like a friend,
A best friend must earn that place.

I personally think that what matters
Is that you have friends.
And if not,
That you have a supporting family

Someone that helps you
In both good and bad times...
That gives you advice,
That supports you in your decisions
And if not, that shows his/her opinion...
Not only for the fun/partying times
But for the serious and hard times too.
Someone you can share your secrets
Your victories and defeats
That does not betray or isn't selfish.
For me, that is my definition of a best friend

(I shall continue
My thoughts in another post...)

Pov : Long Distance

" I fear no distance...
I fear no diferences between us "

This is a subject that people discuss
And talk about quite often.
What? LDR's.
I personally think each case is diferent
I can't say to someone's face that will surely work
Or surely fail. It depends.

It can be...
1.1. - Distance from state to state
1.1.1. - Distance from city to city
1.1.2. - Distance from country to country
1.1.3. - Distance from continent to continent

What I don't like it's when people bash
Someone who is in such situations...
It depends of whoever is on them.
And I've seen/heard quite some...
...Arguments from people :

1. You can't see nor touch the person...

2. It's NOT possible to fall in love
With someone FAR away

3. It just won't work!

4. It's a online thing...

5. Either jobless or underage people
Are not adviced
to maintain something as a LDR...

6. Part 1 : Why aren't you interested in someone
From your own city/country ?

Part 2 : You're beautiful,
We could go out at night have a drink
On the weekend and have some fun.

Part 3 : (leaves phone number)
Kiss.

7. The person can cheat or find someone else.

" I believe in Love, so I am supportive.
I think I already mentioned
In one post in this same page
Called Religion versus My Beliefs
You may check it out if you want... "

Now answers from my point of view.

1. Alright, can't touch...
Is it everything in a relationship?
Some people don't even expect to be in such situation
Of distance. It happens.
In those cases let's face it...
Tecnology can be and is helpful.
Even letters are.

+ Language isn't a barrier either
As most countries or people learn english
And even if that's not the case,
They could learn eachothers language.

+ You should ask yourself if you're willing
1.1. To wait
1.2. To move to another city/state/country.
Someone has to take that step I believe...

2. It is possible and it happens.
Some just don't find love or "true love"
In their own city even country.

3. This one is really common...
It won't work if you're either not dedicated
If things aren't discussed between the two persons
If one stops believing/ loses faith.
Because it can work with pacience, comunication
Trust and effort.

4. This is even more common.
I've seen/ heard this one a lot.
I already stated some of my points of view above
Whoever says that, either...
1.1. wasn't in that situation yet
1.2. or had something that failed.

But like I said previously,
It depends of the persons in it
And of the points I said above too
(Trust, effort, comunication, pacience)

5. "Are not adviced" ...
They could even work
But it would something rather tough to maintain.
Not impossible, tho.

6. Part 1 : Just not interested.
Like I said things DO happen
And a person is not forced to fall in love
With someone from the same country or city.

Part 2 and 3 : No.
For me that seems like a convo
From someone who wants a flirt and such...
I personally do not approve, nor my conscience does.

7. Unfortunately, there is that possibility.
But we trust enough not to.
One who loves is faithful...
Otherwise I don't think it was the true, real love....

I shall leave some quotes and such...



" Love knows no bondaries.
Love knows no distance
Is not judging and selfish either ".






" Out of sight is just...
Out of sight.
Never out of someone's heart ".

"If it is meant to happen,
Sooner or later...
God will allow it to happen ".

Pov : Life Purpose

We are meant to do something
Something great...

Like I said in one post...
1. Relationships : Friendship, Family, Love
We already make a change in people's lives by being born
And placed on Earth.
Then when we start meeting people , going to school
And having friends.
We can positive or negative influence and effects on lives.
Then towards a significant other
(by that I mean boyfriend/girlfriend,
husband/wife or family, even children)

2. Vocations, second purpose
We all have something we enjoy doing
So focus on that too, it can be really good
Not only for you, but for others as well.

Whether it's arts related
(painting, drawing, sculping, acting,
writing, make up,....)
social works
(psychology, sociology, being a volunteer,....)

And others such as...
(cooking, photography, music,
modeling, health related jobs)

3. Set your goals :)

4. Religion
Many people seek for their path
In religion praying to their God or Gods
They search for answers for the questions they have
And seek forgivess...
In religion.

You can bring happiness to people's lives
You have value
And you can make the diference!

Wake up Call II

One day, the nurse appeared
And I asked her what happened
She said "You were hit by a car..."
It was something diferent from the other reality I knew
Two old ladies tried to support me that time.
Less than a week later, the nurses called me
Gave a robe and a wheelchair. I had been transfered.

New place. Nice people.
I could wheel around in there.
Then I used another thing,
But I was still getting used to it...
My mom was able to appear more
And explained me the situation in detail.

-- I was crossing the crossroad to the mall
I was with my mp3 on and two sirs in a jeep
Like this one...



Did not saw me...and I was knocked out by it
She said according to them that I said my name
Then went unconcious --

Afterwards :
I spent two weeks in total in there
Did a exam in my head (it was swollen)
Got a tooth removed.
Music was still my company in those times.
I missed my friends and family
I missed my home.

Back at home :
My hip was still injured but it recovered
After some time.
I was glad to be alive at least
I learned once
Not to take things for granted...