7. Poisoned mind....
I won't deny, they broke me.
I would sometimes cry myself to sleep...
There were times when I would shut my mouth
And tell no one about what I was going through
I didn't want to make anyone worried...
Yes, I considered stuff in that time
I was a cutter back then as well...
My body? I was ashamed of it, every time in the bathroom
When my classmates would change clothes for physical ed.
I would lock myself in one cabine and dress there....
Or let them go then I'd change my clothes.
8. Tired body.
12th grade, October 2009 I hit bottom.
I was out of energy, getting out of bed was painful already.
Memories....looking at the mirror wasn't exciting or anything
Going to school was a nightmare...
Cutting went on...they found about it eventually
My bracelets wouldn't cover up the over 30 cuts that I had...
I dropped weight. I wouldn't careless about eating...
Until I reached less than 48kgs...my rings would fall off my fingers...
I kept on attending the psychologist's office
But the effects were temporary.
I was tired. My back would hurt without much reason
My legs and mostly my chest/heart area would hurt as well.
It was a alarm...I couldn't stay happy anymore
I couldn't pretend anymore....
I was to kill myself....
I didn't.. I failed...my psychologist was really rough at that time
"It is not a painless way to go.
What about your family?
Think about it! I'll be right back".
There I was then...
I threw the razor in the trashbin.
We hugged eachother
She handled me a case with tissues
And said she was proud...
10. Revelations II
I had the guts... I felt ready.
It was time!
I started to get out of my shell.
And told to one of the girls in the class
Suicide pretty much the things...
She said she never knew I was feeling like that
She spoke about me as a cool person...
It suprised me.
It was ironic how I helped my classmates
Through out the years
Yes I would help them...with works and tests...
And those were the "rewards" in the past....
11. Conversion I
I started again...I met a group of girls
(I noticed the style of one of them and approached her)
I asked if I could meet them ;
They agreed and we were a group for some time
They were awesome, one of them was clearly Christian
She said "You listen to agressive, screaming music...
I dare you to bring me your mp4
And I'll give you some sugestions on music.
No wonder you feel so depressed and lost
Listen, God loves you, you just have to learn to accept Him
And let Him enter your life".
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