I have this white folder…
With these memories
I am finally willing to share them with you
I am not afraid anymore.
(…) They would sing once in a while
“You’re so hot, you’re so hot….!”
They'ld joke and burst out LAUGHING.
I would look at them and go away...
Then secretly start crying.
…As for the area I was in,
I decided to stay after doing quite some tests.
As for religion at the time
I was agnostic nearly atheist.
I was angry and revolved
At a lot of things in those times….
According to the notes on the folder
I had multiple breakdowns
More than what I used to remember out of this.
Some of the memories got blurry or lost.
Others were too much to be erased.
Now that I put the pieces together
I am starting to figure out stuff...
Depression...it already was walking
With me back then.
It only got more obvious after some events...
(...) It was exausting, from telling me to disappear
To go away from the class until saying that
I was dumb because
I chose an instrument instead of another.
So...I ran away as fast as I could
As I didn't wanted for anyone
To see me or even hear me.
To the bathroom. They were screaming my name...
I was crying...I closed the door of a cabin
When someone kicked the door hard.
I fell to the floor, crying even harder
(With pain...the door had hit me right in the head)
It was a small space in there...
The person who kicked the door lend a hand,
For me to get up.
I felt sleepy the rest of the day.
Another piece :
In total I slept four hours
And I feel like a rag ...
(...) I'm ruining myself on the inside
And occasionally on the outside
When I don't sleep or eat ;
...You don't deserve to listen
Nor even read this because
Probably you expect so much more from me
And I'm trying and I don't know
If it'll be enough (...)
(...) To what I wrote to my bf (the ex)
And what he wrote me on the school paper
Someone added next to his name "boi" ,
Next to mine "feia" e torta
(ugly and "torta" = someone who does not walk straight])
And below both "casal do ano" (couple of the year) .
I was devastated, more than what I expected...
Blurry Memories :
I used to hate myself out
Of many things that people told me
I used to hurt myself in many ways...
When I didn't had blades,
I'ld dig my nails into my arm...
Anything to take the pain away.
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