quinta-feira, 21 de outubro de 2010

Self Injury I

The Beginning...
I've been a self injurer since my 10th grade...
Currently I'm out of highschool.

I still remember how it started.
This one night and me with a pocket knife in my hands...
...Another night alone
And feeling left out...
New school and I wasn't "fitting in".
I felt like I did not belong and like my Life...
It was falling appart...
I was not a popular girl,
Which made things rather hard.

(Guess we all go
through that once in a while,
now that I look into it)

At that time I had threats of people...
That they would take me to the hospital.
Did not stop me. Although bracelets
And wristbands couldn't hide it all the time.
The urge to cut was still there,
The knife was still with me at the time.

"I felt like nothing was in place,
Not even myself
Or my commited
but really troubled relationship at the time ".

...Why am I telling this?

It eases me...
And for whoever that reads this,
I don't know if you can somehow relate or not

- I sincerely hope in a part "not"
Because I wouldn't like
Or even want anyone
To go through this sort of things.

- If you can...
Take your time to read....
Spread the word.
Start changing...or at least helping.

Another thought
I saw a video about a person who used to cut
It made me think about....

* If I have someone by my side...
A love, a partner, other half
How would I tell him what I've done to myself
Over the years ?
How would he react to seeing marks
Scars even , in my body ?

* If I have a child or two
How would I answer the curious questions
Of how the scars shown up
Or on what happened...
On what I had done and why I had done it.

Wouldn't be good for them to know
That his/her mom was a cutter.
Wouldn't be good, as children
See their parents as their role model...

But now read this carefully,
I made a lot of crap.
I've cut and still have relapses.
I still have breakdowns, I will not lie
BUT one thing is for sure :

My to-be child will have support
She or he will not be alone ;
Because school can be tough
Unlike what many people think.
Some people don't even take it seriously
The ones who know are probably
Who went through those things.

I don't know
If you agree with me on this one...

But I know it,
So I'll be at least speaking for myself.
Because I understand!
And no, just because I was
or maybe still am a self injurer.

Does not mean the child will follow that.
In fact my family had a big impact on me
When it came to try to stop.
Believe me, they are the ones
Who are hurt the most.
And last, but not least...
I will protect whoever I love
Or prevent anything bad of happening
I don't intend on failing in this one.

And listening...?
It may have more of an effect
Than what people think.

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