domingo, 31 de outubro de 2010

Flirting

As you may check in some posts
(Old Fashioned I,II and III)
You can see parcially my point of view.

Again, I can say it :
I am not totally against flirting,
I did it like only once I think....
It's not my style much,
If you read with enough attention.

I am not into temporary much things.
And I have some self respect
So I won't lower my level.
I will not and you won't see me exposing my body
Or intimacy with someone
I do not know or do not have feelings for.
Simply : That's not me.

However, there are persons who flirt
I do not like nor want that in my side
I hate the winkings and almost fake compliments
With second intencions.
If I do not reply with any enthusiasm
Then all it is said
If you cross the limits I will block and delete.
Point done.

Learning to Forgive?

Well... before I write my thoughts on the matter
I want to leave you a question
It is personal at the same time I must add...

If someone hurt you
And you hurt year after year...
Would you be able to put things behind your back
And forgive ?


...My point of View now :
We personally aren't forced to forgive
But I'm not a person of "revenges" and "paybacks"
So I kept it a little inside of me.
I still dwell around this.
I don't say for you to take all the pain out from you
All at once, but slowly starting to forgive

I know it is hard, still until today
I am recovering from self esteem issues
Due to bullying.

I did not cut fully the contact
I had with those classmates
Many went through separate ways
Which is helpful for my recovery
Talking/writing it out is helpful as well
I won't be able to get rid of problems that formed in years
In few sessions/appointments.
I'm trying to get help whenever and wherever I can
I advice you to do the same and to reach for friends
In case anything happens someone will catch you
And hear you.

I am trying to forgive
My religion teaches to forgive
And love. So I'm taking my steps for so.
With due time and support I will do this.
And I believe in you to do the same

p.s.: Any doubt envolving, God , religion and such
Search here :) -
www.gotquestions.org

sábado, 30 de outubro de 2010

Old Fashioned III

As for the relatioships topic...
What she was warning about...
Yes, I can get hurt and heartbroken.
Hurt and used? Possible too, everything is possible
I mean, people can be unpredictable ;

I am old fashioned because I don't want someone
To have fun or a "night stand" with (I have self respect)
I don't go much for flirting either.

Finally...
What I search is for someone with
(I don't say much similar "old fashioned" thinking as I have)
But with good intencions.
I bet no one aims to get hurt (or hurt someone)
But to be happy

Because barriers?
That can gone and over with.
But happiness?

Impossibilities?
They only start and trouble you
And get the best out of you
Once you start believing in
What or who is trying to push you away
From what you want...
Then it is doomed.
Because what you wanted
Was replaced by what others want and tell you!

Finally...
What I search or wait for.
That is why I want to
If possible is to spend and share
My Life with someone
Someone I can share good times
And troubled times with.
My fears and who actually knows me.
Someone I don't have to fake a smile to ;

(Some cute images that I found
Related or not...)





Old Fashioned II

- I haven't had sex
While I was a early teen.
I focused on my studies instead.
There are times for one thing,
Then for anothers too, later.

(I'm not criticizing who did it and such)
I just set some priorities in my life
And that one wasn't amongst them.
I am aware of consequences of it,
Like pregnancy for example
I think people are growing up
Too fast on that... (just my opinion)

- I carry no regrets of the choices I made
And others have the right to choose
Whatever they want to do in their Lives...

- And another things...
Like smoking and drink
I am not against people who drink socially
Nor the ones who drink moderate
In a responsible way in order not to hurt others
Or themselves.
I am only against from the moment people
End up ruining their own lives and others
Out of smoking, drinking and addictions.

- Finally and back to the subject
I am old fashioned, and let me be.
I let know I'm not joking 24/ 7
I let know that I seek for something decent
And good out of my own life.
I say out to whoever knows me
What I want out of my life...
The relationships thoughts I'll leave in another post...

Old Fashioned I

Situation :
Once I was with my sister,
It was a rather "interesting" conversation
As it left me thinking and wondering.

And trust me,
Some convos can be interesting.

She told me even if ...
...I managed to have a relationship with someone
That I wouldn't be/last over two years
With the person (How optimistic... = Irony)

Even handling with the distance,
Which it would be something hard to add.
Then she gave me an example of
Someone who thought about the "forever"
And ended up heartbroken (yes you read right).
So she doesn't believe in any of those
She called me something like "old fashioned"
Because well, today things are rather diferent...

From the other generations,
So be it. I'ld rather have this "old mind" then
It hasn't failed me...

- I haven't grown faster in some aspects of my life
Just in one or two things because I was forced to.
Because I knew if I kept acting as caring as I did
I'ld be trash.

A Letter to Whoever reads...

I might not be fully aware
Of your problems or of your suffering
However I am honest on what I'm writting
And on what I want out of this blog.

Do not ever fear sending a message
Or asking for support.
Asking for help is NOT a weakness.
If you recognize a issue, it is already a step
To recovery.
And no one has the right on judging you on that.

People are there to help
You whetever you choose any of the contacts
I left in the contact page

Or if you decide it is time
To reach out for someone...
I probably do not know everyone
Or any of the persons that see this blog
One rule and what I as for is to be polite.

But one thing I am sure...
For some reason you stepped in here.
You do not want to end your life,
You just want a change...

I know...
You want to be seen
You want to be heard
You want to be appreciated
You want too, a chance to improve.
As someone told me, your time is NOW!


It is your life, your chance.
Your life, the only one we have (that we know of)
p.s.: Only change if necessary,
Not because others tell you to.

And change isn't "getting to something worse"
It can be improving yourself,
As someone dear to me once told me.
So , and finishing this letter
I wish you good luck ! (L)
Keep up the positive thinking :P

(About my writing...
No negative thoughts are allowed in this blog
Except if in certain subjects
Because they have the function
Of making people aware
And to make people learn = lessons
Again, this has no purpose on being triggering
Just a helping blog
Therefore I want to make people feel good while reading)

I wish you good luck
In your life projects and goals.
Thank you for taking the time to read
And too, for some people to be here for me.

Life

quinta-feira, 28 de outubro de 2010

A Letter to Depression

[Part 1]
24/ 7 you are beating me up
I don't know for how long I will hold on this
In fact I'm sick of this...

I don't want you, I never wanted you at all.
If I can handle it?
Falling...
Fading....
This frustrating life...
... ...
A year with you beside me
Has lead me to despair
I don't want it anymore.
I want a cure.... ....
Something to hold me here.
Once and for all.

[Part 2]
I have no energy . No inspiration
It was stolen and taken away...
I know and I miss that smile that I held so easily
I am aware of it. So I ask...what happened?
Is it so foggy ? Why can't reach it...?

What do you want more?
What do you ask for?


Some friends have come and gone
It's not just myself.
But the only thing that is left
You'll never have as long as I keep holding on

....My Life.
I'm sorry but
You won't have it
Nor I'll take it from myself
Without a fight.

Being Used

(For more information check the bullying posts)

We at least once in Life experience
This type of episodes.
I did through out school.

Again, I am ready to talk about this...
Some I remembered on my own
Others my memory recovered along the way
For this I am refering to highschool years.

I was the typical average student
By that I had some school subjects that were dificult
And others that were rather easy and where I felt confortable...
Now, I might have mentioned this....
I would only got asked for help in those subjects where I was better at
On the worst ones they wouldn't do much anything for me
In fact I was left out. Smart ...

From homework, to comparing works
To helping with vocabulary, writing
Even in tests (english) they would ask me for help !
I was less times helped than the times I would help them.
I helped many going through some school subjects.

But I knew I was often being used too...
And that feeling, pardon me to say, it SUCKS.
My rewards? Temporary compliment a little thanks.
But then the situation would be the same...
This in my point of view...

I could have been caught and get through consequences
Now that I think of it, I will ask you :

"Is that...
Worth it?"


I was still sort of a loner and unpopular...
Whenever I helped or not.

Another point :
If I wasn't helping them, they'ld be all mad
And would talk/comment about me.
Badly? Yes.

Even if I wasn't that okay....
Few would help me (1 or 2 out of 20!)
And today someone reached me for help
(In fact two persons)

However, I am not forced to help someone
Specially when that certain person
Only contacted me to help her with a work
By that sending her MY final work.

You may think what you want but it is not fair
Reminding that that certain person
Threatened me and used me in the past.

Then you may say..."Forgive".
Yes I am Christian but I'm no saint.
I am not forced to go through similar situations.
I can but I am not forced to forgive
And it was a lot of damage
...So it will take its time to go away
And to be fully forgiven, not forgotten.

segunda-feira, 25 de outubro de 2010

Recovery I

I did not make this blog in vain…
I did not make this blog
without reasons or purpose.
I’m not talking as the person
Who tells to “snap out” of it
I’m talking as the person who has it.


My opinion on possible recovery for depression
Don't go 100% for meds.
Unless it is really serious.

(Which in my case I am starting
To believe it is mild and
I can try and do this)

Seek a psychologist for a start
Or phone numbers
(More about it check the page called Info and Support
I will activate the links soon :) )

Therefore I would like to ask you something:
Do not answer here (or answer only if you want)
What is distressing you?
What is the source of the pain?

I once saw this video…it had wise words
It was basically,
What is hurting and bothering you,
Cut it from the root OR speak it out.
I know. I know…extreme.

A point…
- If a friend is hurting you, if someone is bothering you
Why you are even waste your time talking with him/her?

- If someone online is insulting you...
Block, delete. Close or change account if necessary.

- If someone is tormenting you on the phone…
Delete the messages, report it or change number
But please do not let it build inside of you.
Focus on what is trying to make you feel better
On things you did/still enjoy or try finding new hobbies.

Search for new friends;
Do not forget
The good, true old friends

You can do it.
Organizations and social group places
Or even a good hobby can be a fresh start.
It can open doors and allow you to meet people.

Meeting people can be good and healthy ;
I mentioned about it
On my post Beyond Reason I.
I joined a church group.
I’ve been welcomed there like I never was before
And before I was a loner,
I was a what people call outcast.
I am not ashamed of saying this.
I want YOU to know this example.

Because if I do and will beat this, you will too.
I know cases of people who beat this and are ALIVE
And believe me that they (as I am) are glad to be alive.
You will get through this! :P

Besides the fact that I know if I fall,
I won’t stand alone.
I will get up, I have support.
Someone will try and catch me.

God if you want to put religion on this as well.
And you?
You will have people
And you are mostly welcome
To read this blog anytime. (L)

Depression and Attempts

Don't let your memories
Break you...
...Stay with me


To whoever is considering anything,
Don't do it!

Take this advice and take time to read this :
Probably because if it fails
It'll leave you in a worst shape
(Depending on the method too)

Than what you were before.
You will regret it.
People's reactions
And attitudes will change towards you.
Trust might be really, deeply affected.

(For more info read "Depression and Suicide"
To know my point of view about it)

Life is too precious to be wasted
And thrown away.

Hold on day by day.
I am speaking as someone
Who thought in detail about these things
Such as death. I didn't want to be sad anymore,

I wanted to die.
(Or was I too anxious for the pain to end?
Ask yourself)

I thought, method by method.
I planned...without anyone knowing.
So I searched…and searched…
And bam! Wake up call.

Flash news : They are all painful,
There isn't a painless suicide ;
Because for death to occur, there is needed
PAIN...enough to make vital or important organs
To fail and shut down.
Enough for the defenses the body has...
To break.

Don't go for the illusion that they aren't!
Don't go for the illusion that people don't care
Because they DO!


And you don't need to put yourself
In delicate situations
You don't need to bleed...
You don't need to be hospitalized.

Or go through near death experiences for that.
If you have the chance,
Listen to "Hold On" by Good Charlotte.
My bestie dedicated this song to me...
Thank you, you rock! (L)
Music does speak indeed....

It takes more guts to keep on living
...A sh*tty life in your eyes.
Than to end it. Your parents, your family members
Your siblings (if that’s your case) will suffer.
With every cut, with every try,
With every scratch
Or self inflicted burns on your skin.

You’re like a piece that cannot be replaced .
You’re one of a kind .

DO NOT destroy yourself.
So drop the razors, drop the knives, pills...
Throw them or give them away
To make sure you won’t use them
In those times go out.
Seek help. Somewhere.

domingo, 24 de outubro de 2010

Music IV

A special song for a special person
Singing cover by me,
Original song by Red called Pieces



This song is A.m.a.z.i.n.g.!
It says a lot... (L)



I don't think they're Christian
But this is a cool song from them (L)



This one too...
Fell in love with this song xD
Listen closely :,)



"Don't look down
Don't look back
I am beside you (...)
We will find a way to erase the past
Stay with me
In my arms you'll be fine
I'll never let go"

Music V



Beyond Reason II

I felt like I could talk and open up,
I got to know more and new people.
And amongst the people
...I found my best friend !

Who was happy to see me.
She smiled and we hugged eachother.
I met another person, then.
We talked. She took me to the bathroom.

There stood a mirror on the wall...
Another chalenge...
She said I had to convince myself
That I was pretty
(I have and had problems with self esteem and such)
So she told me to look at the mirror, closely.

She said :
"There I see a beautiful girl!
A girl who is capable of things
A girl with a purpose
And whose life is going to get better
I know it!
And you have to believe in it
(Along other things...)"

She said then to say that
"I was thankful to God for being that beautiful"
And I got shy... until I said it.
She told me to do that every day.
They say they want to help me
Without asking anything much in return
Or anything at all.

They added that I will have a purpose.
I will be sucessful in Life
That I must believe in Him (...)
I felt a little better afterwards.

Just know that I am trying to pick up
The pieces of my Life...
Not to fear a possible Future
And not to be SO afraid of Loving someone
Or even of being Loved...
The reason that has been blocking me...
From loving someone
Is a big nearly unexplainable fear


...Beyond perhaps reason itself.
I can't be defeated.
I can't allow this to take the best of me.
I can't give up and put things to waste.

It was a good experience
I intend on going there more often
They are expecting me to appear more too...
Tomorrow perhaps.

In the end me and my best friend left
We talked more and then
Went through separate ways
I will go there tomorrow again. (L)

Beyond Reason I

I would like to share something
Although I don't have a clue
If whoever reads this is Christian or not.
But I am one.
For some reasons, some personal...
...Others beyond reason itself.

You may think I am fool...
I do question myself why am I alive
I had quite some chances of dying.
People say I walk here for some purpose.
So I'm starting to believe as well.
I think I told previously...

Today I was to go to see this group...
I arrived late to where me
And my best friend were supposed to meet
The other time I went back home.

This time it was diferent I was there,
I wouldn't just give up
I asked people about the group
And they had no clue,

So I kept walking and kept walking...
At last I saw this temple in ways...
This building I could see people inside
And outside of the building;

I asked myself...
If that was the place
My best friend told me about...
Then the sun started to hit me in the face,
Only on that side of the road, in there, at me.

Proceeding...
I was staring a lot,
And asked myself "Is it here..."
The sun kept shining
And I was like "Maybe it is here..."

I was unsure,
I was almost leaving until this guy
Found me and asked if I would like
And if I was interested to see/know that place.

I stopped for a second or two...
I replied , looking at him:
- I don't know.

He asked me if I believed in God.
I said :
- Yes.

He tried to convince me saying
It would be nice
And that maybe I would like that place.
So I went ; I had nothing to lose.
He asked what were my troubles...
I said: " I have depression--- "

He replied:
"Your depression has ended.
It ends TODAY!, NOW!".

I was shocked...
Honestly because I have it over a year already
And someone tells me that all of a sudden....
It surprises me because I've been struggling
And trying to beat it for a long time.


I met a girl after who talked with me a while
And took me where a meeting was happening
Speeches, prayers and blessings
Where taking place too.

People were listening faithfully and closely.
First time so I was really shy...
Some people tried to bless me.
Others prayed.

Then there was a part where they were singing
And dancing, even.
It was fun and people seemed happy.
...Beyond words.

sexta-feira, 22 de outubro de 2010

Pain vs Dreams I

I took some more time thinking...

What's stronger...
The dreams we have
Or the pain that appears?


Dreams :
- I want to (re)build my life
From ashes. By that, getting a little better
- By that meeting new places, new people
I need to breathe for a while, to know another reality.
I miss my smile terribly.
- I feel like I'll only be trully happy when my fears go away
- Being loved and apreciated.


Pain :

- But then pressure comes from nearly everywhere
What do I WANT to DO in my life or out of it
Even friends! always asking questions about it
Some just don't know how pressured i'm feeling
Some just don't know they are not supporting me that way!

- Pressure at home...because money is unfortunately
A big part in this world and it has to be present.

Then again, if you really knew me...
- You would know that I react horribly to pressure
Whether is to make choices quickly
Or things to be done fast
Or certain words...
I once held a gun in my hands
But did not had the guts to pull the trigger.


- And as most people know,
I want to get out of this country
...Some support me, others do not
They claim I will get hurt somehow
They say it is a dream.

- Then the question of "would you be capable
of leaving friend and family behind for a while?"
I said yes, for a while.
I need to be free and it will not be only for me
That I'm doing this. It'll be for him.
They have no clues about my feelings...

- The being loved and apreciated
Is something else.
I try my best to show my feelings
And do some effort
But often I feel like the same isn't reflected
I'm sorry...you might have heard this a lot...

Unforgetable Words...

I have been thinking (again)
And have a question for you...

What was/were the best words
Someone has ever told/write to you?



I'll speak from my point of view now...
Those were trully amazing *

1. When I met someone ;
He was like older than me, but he was cool.
So we talked for some time, until I had to go.

He said :
"Today I was expecting to meet a young girl, a teenager.
But instead, today I met a woman".

2. This was from someone special...
In one random day I was looking for to, you know, change my look
My hair would go down until my upper back ;
So I wanted to cut a little bit...
But things went wrong and the person cut my hair until my neck
And obviously it kinda shook me up...

So that person told me :
"Not even if you were bald
You'ld still be (or was it look?) pretty"
He is trully amazing...

3. This was from my friend LenAmurita
I wrote a truth in a app on myspace ...

Her reply :
" I'm thankful for the chance that life
had gave me to meet you,
you really are amazing,
the best,cute,sincere,honest,
friendly,truly beautiful inside and out,
you have a smile
that can ease someone's heart and soul,
I wish for one day to someone
who you truly love to recognize your soul
and your genuine smile,you're a great friend,
glad I've met you,
thanks for coming into my life,
since I've lost a friend of mine years ago,
I was sad and felt like I've lost something,
a part of me,we were very close,
it was so much fun being with her...
but due to circumstances
our friendship had been lost forever,
but you've had given that feeling once again,
the feeling of joy,friendship,
I enjoy being with you,you can count on me,
I wont ever let you alone=)
*we're unite*and together we stand*
count on me always my friend* ".


4. From a youtube user :
" Thank you for being my friend!
God bless you abundantly with overwhelming joy and love! "

5. From another youtube user :
(Acts 2:38 KJV)
" Then Peter said unto them, Repent,
and be baptized every one of you
in the name of Jesus Christ
for the remission of sins,
and ye shall receive
the gift of the Holy Ghost. "

6. I had a lot of support from some youtubers
Which I have apreciated a lot ;
Mostly were christians...*

7. From another fellow christian
And a good friend

" Thank you Silvy
You are such a very sweet
and lovely young lady
with so much to give the world.
Your beauty is not only on the outside
but on the inside as well.
I am so happy to know you.
You are very special.
I know Jesus has plans for you!!
You are so smart, sweet,
and lovely I feel you have a bright future ahead.
I love you! Hugs and much love, kathy ".

8. From a christian and priest
" I hate to hear that but I am praying for you.
We are still going through a storm,
Jesus is taken us by the hand and bringing us to the other side.
On 9/13/10 are oldest girl went home to Jesus.
But, I am blessed and highly favored thanks to Jesus.
I might not always look or feel like it,
but I have Jesus
I know everything is going to be ok.
He loves you the same way you are his.
Seek GOD, keep praying, read his word,
and he well see you through this.
May Jesus shower blessings on you
and all those that you love.
GOD bless you Sister.
Love your Brother David ".

9. A good friend from church (Obr.Catarina)
Told me :
"Os problemas os fracos são as pedras
do caminho dos fortes"

Have a great day, you're a wonderful person
And thank you (L) ! :,)
May our paths cross again.
Take care and God bless you**

Music III





Music II




This one bring me old yet happy memories..



This one I heard in a friend's profile
To be honest, some of these songs weren't exactly my "type"
But they're amazing, so I decided to share once more

Music I

I decided to put some songs
Instead of text nearly all the time
Music can "speak" sometimes more
And louder than words themselves
Personally , I like rock :P

And the so called Christian bands
I like are really few.
Anyways, I decided to post some of them
Here... They have a lot of meaning ;
Hope you like it...

p.s.: Next posts I will post songs
Does not matter if they are religious / christian
I'll post for these reasons :

1. I either liked them and decided to share
2. It is beautiful or inspiring
3. It has touching/meaningful lyrics.





Chapter IV

"So drop the little razor
And pick up your Life
Forget about your pain and your strife"


Relapse xxxxxx
...I wish it was that easy ;
Not the actual drop the razor point
But what comes along with it...
It is tempting...

My head is messing me up
I'm sad during most of the day
My energies are drained
I feel like I died
Dead already
Long ago....
And I either want to recover myself
Or else. It is confusing!

Then I don't know...
I've been reading several articles
Which still try to make me feel a litle down to earth
I've been trying to stabilize too.
I believe that as long as I try to write it out
Here mostly. Talking it out...
And holding on, that I'll be stable.

Now to some quotes and such...

"Let's take control over our Lives
And not allow the opposite to happen ".


"Never give up" - Winston Churchill.

"Most difficult decisions is deciding
Which bridges to cross
And which bridges to burn ".


This last one was from someone
On this site...I mean the site...
I saw several websites...
Kinda make people wake up in ways.
I don't want to hurt people ;

Plain simple :
I just want my depression to end.
The website I don't recall the name of the 1st

But the second was this one :

- www.suicide.org

Do not judge because of the name.
It has...wise words in it.
And due to those words I decided
To share it with you * take care...

quinta-feira, 21 de outubro de 2010

About the Blog / Sobre o Blog

[Português]
* O propósito deste blog
É ajudar e aconselhar quem precisar.
Ou apenas em caso de precisares de alguém que oiça.

* Como contactar...
- Apenas verifica a entrada de blog e comenta

* Eu falo português e sobretudo inglês
Um pouco de espanhol
E a aprender holandês.

* Por isso quando te sentires sozinho/a
Ou com necessidade de alguém que oiça ou aconselhe
Eu irei colocar um endereço de email aqui
(Só para isso)
No caso de não quereres expôr-te ao público.

NOTA IMPORTANTE :
Este blog não visa ser um substituto
de ajuda profissional.
Sou somente uma pessoa que gosta de ajudar,
ouvir e dar alguns conselhos.

--------------------------------

[English]
* The purpose of this blog is :
To help and advice whoever needs.
Or just in case you need someone to listen.

* How to contact...
- Just check the blog post and comment

* I speak portuguese and mostly english
A bit of spanish.
And learning dutch.

* So, when you feel alone
Or in need for someone to listen or advice
Just check it and leave a comment
I'll put a email adress there (just for that)
In case you don't want to expose in public

IMPORTANT NOTE : Blog is not a replacement
For professional help.
I'm just a person who likes to help,
Listen and to give some advices.

Chapter Three

I have this white folder…
With these memories
I am finally willing to share them with you
I am not afraid anymore.


(…) They would sing once in a while
“You’re so hot, you’re so hot….!”
They'ld joke and burst out LAUGHING.
I would look at them and go away...
Then secretly start crying.

…As for the area I was in,
I decided to stay after doing quite some tests.
As for religion at the time
I was agnostic nearly atheist.
I was angry and revolved
At a lot of things in those times….

According to the notes on the folder
I had multiple breakdowns
More than what I used to remember out of this.
Some of the memories got blurry or lost.
Others were too much to be erased.

Note :
Now that I put the pieces together
I am starting to figure out stuff...
Depression...it already was walking
With me back then.
It only got more obvious after some events...

Piece :
(...) It was exausting, from telling me to disappear
To go away from the class until saying that
I was dumb because
I chose an instrument instead of another.

So...I ran away as fast as I could
As I didn't wanted for anyone
To see me or even hear me.
To the bathroom. They were screaming my name...
I was crying...I closed the door of a cabin
When someone kicked the door hard.
I fell to the floor, crying even harder
(With pain...the door had hit me right in the head)
It was a small space in there...
The person who kicked the door lend a hand,
For me to get up.
I felt sleepy the rest of the day.

Another piece :
In total I slept four hours
And I feel like a rag ...
(...) I'm ruining myself on the inside
And occasionally on the outside
When I don't sleep or eat ;
...You don't deserve to listen
Nor even read this because
Probably you expect so much more from me
And I'm trying and I don't know
If it'll be enough (...)

(...) To what I wrote to my bf (the ex)
And what he wrote me on the school paper
Someone added next to his name "boi" ,
Next to mine "feia" e torta
(ugly and "torta" = someone who does not walk straight])
And below both "casal do ano" (couple of the year) .
I was devastated, more than what I expected...

Blurry Memories :
I used to hate myself out
Of many things that people told me
I used to hurt myself in many ways...
When I didn't had blades,
I'ld dig my nails into my arm...
Anything to take the pain away.

Chapter One

School was tough.
Well let's be specific, people were.
Many times I wanted to skip class...but I couldn't.
In that time I had suicidal thoughts already on 9th grade
(Due to that day when
I was nearly beaten up at the bus stop)

Through out the years....
The thoughts stood there.
I thought pessimistic
Was a part of my personality.


Oh lord. It.just.wasn't!
Don't convince yourself of that like I did......
Like people made me saw constantly...

Flaws!
And that's how my “self consciousness”
Was badly born.
Don't go for the same mistake...do not listen

Try to embrace your imperfections
And your so called flaws seen
and pointed by others.
Someone out there loves you or will love you.
Or will at least accept you. (L)

Self Injury I

The Beginning...
I've been a self injurer since my 10th grade...
Currently I'm out of highschool.

I still remember how it started.
This one night and me with a pocket knife in my hands...
...Another night alone
And feeling left out...
New school and I wasn't "fitting in".
I felt like I did not belong and like my Life...
It was falling appart...
I was not a popular girl,
Which made things rather hard.

(Guess we all go
through that once in a while,
now that I look into it)

At that time I had threats of people...
That they would take me to the hospital.
Did not stop me. Although bracelets
And wristbands couldn't hide it all the time.
The urge to cut was still there,
The knife was still with me at the time.

"I felt like nothing was in place,
Not even myself
Or my commited
but really troubled relationship at the time ".


...Why am I telling this?

It eases me...
And for whoever that reads this,
I don't know if you can somehow relate or not

- I sincerely hope in a part "not"
Because I wouldn't like
Or even want anyone
To go through this sort of things.

- If you can...
Take your time to read....
Spread the word.
Start changing...or at least helping.

Another thought
I saw a video about a person who used to cut
It made me think about....

* If I have someone by my side...
A love, a partner, other half
How would I tell him what I've done to myself
Over the years ?
How would he react to seeing marks
Scars even , in my body ?

* If I have a child or two
How would I answer the curious questions
Of how the scars shown up
Or on what happened...
On what I had done and why I had done it.

Wouldn't be good for them to know
That his/her mom was a cutter.
Wouldn't be good, as children
See their parents as their role model...

But now read this carefully,
I made a lot of crap.
I've cut and still have relapses.
I still have breakdowns, I will not lie
BUT one thing is for sure :

My to-be child will have support
She or he will not be alone ;
Because school can be tough
Unlike what many people think.
Some people don't even take it seriously
The ones who know are probably
Who went through those things.

I don't know
If you agree with me on this one...


But I know it,
So I'll be at least speaking for myself.
Because I understand!
And no, just because I was
or maybe still am a self injurer.

Does not mean the child will follow that.
In fact my family had a big impact on me
When it came to try to stop.
Believe me, they are the ones
Who are hurt the most.
And last, but not least...
I will protect whoever I love
Or prevent anything bad of happening
I don't intend on failing in this one.

And listening...?
It may have more of an effect
Than what people think.

terça-feira, 19 de outubro de 2010

Pov : Best Friends II

I needed some time
To think through about this subject...
My definition before it turned out
To this one on the previous post
Has gone through many changes ;

Explanation :
As we developt or even face certain situations
Our thoughts change
And we all end up growing up.
At least that happened to me...

I had quite some "backstabbing" situations,
Mind me to say it
It is awful the "knives in your back" sensation...

But it has a lesson along with it :
Never fully trust people specially
If you don't know them for THAT long.
People can be unpredictable.

So, in any case of a back stabbing,
Use those "knives"
1. To learn something out ofthe mistake,

2. Seek for strength and ...

3. Mostly , to learn as well to try
And put sometimes yourself first.

Don't make a priority...
Someone who considers
You an option


From someone who was gave a lot of value
To people who didn't even gave me half of it.
It doesn't make any sense for me to help someone
Who used me as a "punching bag",
Taking all the negativity
and agressive behaviors on me.

Now people,
* If you are facing this either just drop it...
Or let the so-called person calm down
and put his/her ideas in order.
* Don't ever put the blames on yourself.

Speaking by experience,
I did not blame myself in 100%
The other person was wrong.
What I could not avoid was a crisis after.
People...It's just not worth that, believe me!

Finally, you may ask ...
Or wonder if I have a best friend...
I do...have three persons
Really important in my life...


* Key...
Who is really special... (L)
More than a best friend,
I love him lots... (K)

* Dex,
Who was often supporting me
He is caring and he rocks :,)
We started talking on hi5
4/August/2009.
And still talk until today

* Jordan,
Nerdy boy as I used to call him
He is inteligent, caring and random.
We started talking on myspace
And still do until today
We only do not talk on skype
Because mine got ruined :/ lol

* Marisa...
From here, who I know for 7 yrs.
Met her at school due to some coins x,d
Long story (lmao :o)

And as for the rest,
I will keep them in my mind.
You special people
Will know who you are !! (L)
Have a nice day ! ***

quarta-feira, 13 de outubro de 2010

Pov : Depression II

" Pain...
Some just feel it,
Some get inspired,
Some fall with too much of it
Some lose and get lost
Some forgive and forget
And others use it... "


(Random thing
That I wrote in there...)

Yesterday night and today I had lets say,
Some turning point events...


* The support email person
I contacted in the past is back
And with new questions
Yes, she does a lot a questions
Regarding my future...

To be honest...
I thought she, as most of my friends, was gone.
Glad to know that I was wrong.
You might even think and ask
"If she does a lot of questions
How does she help" me?


...I believe she makes the questions
I should be asking myself
For example setting up goals and priorities
Giving reasons for my thoughts and my plans
And organizing my confused thoughts
Sometimes the questions can be/are simple...
But somehow they don't immediately
Pop in my head and mind.

* I was on youtube, in fact one of the most
...Triggering songs ever

[I have four songs
That are triggering because they
Take me to certain parts of my life.
But I shall not mention the names]

Which now hasn't got the same strong effect
As before...the feeling is familiar...
I left a comment in there.
Again I wasn't waiting
For much of an answer...

But I had it from the user who posted the video
p.s.: A video posted 3 years ago ;
Then for my surprise
He answered in portuguese
When I asked in english.

Then the wise words
" Yet, that in some cases of depression
You could get much better without really correcting
The sorce of the pain...
But by reflecting, inside analisis
And the construction of the "self"
Saying that medication can speed up
And facilitate the process of recovery
But that that much strength and will was needed
For such ".


Having the right support...
Can make me go through this?
Because I didn't like to go much for meds...
They could indeed speed up the process
But then there is the risk
Of minor to noticeable...side effects.


* Some of my friends from myspace are back
Like one who was gone for months
And some other friends.

* As for my irl friends, my best friend and I
Have been contacting eachother
And I'm considering visit her again...
I'll try to go to the daycare soon as well ;
I feel slightly better when I go there
Because I feel they like me.
You might not understand at first
But to be honest the smiles on their faces...
The joy it's worth it. It's worth t going there.
Because I get some of that joy,
Not even if it is for some minutes or hours.

In the meantime
I got to start planning my life
Someone who I care about,
Someone I called my bestie too,
"Illusive", so you already know who you are...
You will know, you're helping me as well.
...Obrigada !


** Even because it might be confusing
All the upwards and downwards and breakdowns
That I do have.
So and for many more reasons
I sincerely apreciate the support. (L)
God bless.

Pov : What would you do...?

" What
...Do for someone
... You care about and like? "


That will be my question for you now
And I shall give the answer below...
--
A : If it is someone I care about
I do my best to be around and support
As I would certainly like to have the same :,)
That is a first.

Second, Contact...
If he/she is near me, I'd go out
Just for a fun time
Or if the person needs to talk with me.
I just don't leave people behind
I don't go and forget people, unless they want me to.
I won't walk out of his/her life, unless they want to,
Unless they hurt me or if I die.

Third, Sacrifice...
They say there is one person in the world
You would sacrifice your life for...
1. So I'ld do so for my mom.
Then I'ld add to those,
Whoever I love trully. (L)
And my two faithful best friends.

[Mya - My best friend for 6 almost 7 years.
Dip - I hope life someday gives us
The chance to meet eachother
You both helped me through rather dificult times
So I'm thankful and wishing you the best]

Forth, Surprise...
I suppose I would do so
A visit, a letter, a gift, a call...
Something as a reminder...
Something for people to know I'm there
That I care and mainly for them to know
That they are not alone :3 (L)

p.s. I shall add that
...I sometimes secretly wish people could give value
To what I try to do and show...
And notice that I sometimes treat them the way
I'ld somday like to be treated as well.

Sixth, Advice...
Last but not least
Helping, advicing the person(s) ~
In a certain choice or subject

* If it is a rightful path to support

* If it is a "wrong" path, to open his/her eyes
And show possible reasons for the wrong
Then it'll be up for the person
To decide on what to do...

This was my opinion on this matter
I shall write more posts tomorrow
Take care ! **

domingo, 10 de outubro de 2010

Pov : The One.

I decided to write this, I really felt like it
The sun shines today without fears
And I feel a little bit better

I'm starting to think the weather has quite a roll
On my depression...
And some post-accident things.
So as I'm feeling slightly better...

の の
  へ ς੭ ?


I'm going to leave two questions here
For whoever sees this...

Q: What makes someone so special...
What is your definition of the "One?"

Then I'll post my answer here...

A: I suppose we all know people aren't perfect
Personally, I don't go for muscles and abs.
I don't go for a body . We'll all get old.
A face is not THAT important...
I mentioned this in one of my proses...

Althought you're beautiful [message] inside and out.
[You actually should/have to recognize it more often...]
Even if I have to say it everyday to him.


More...
I see the personality.
I don't go much nor I'm into agressive or flirty guys
I don't see myself as easy kind of girl
But as the cautious...lets say...locked up type.

[Yes, if the readers didn't know,
Now you know...I'm a girl.
A foreign girl].

I prefer someone who is actually caring,
That romantic "crap".... [actions then words]
Who is there for me
And that is faithful...
[I just hate it being used as an object
Or being betrayed in some way]

And I do know there aren't much boys like
What describe.

More...
He does not have to fake
He can be himself, style, attitudes, etc.
If you do/can accept me ,
I accept you.

What I ask is for the person not to hurt me
Even if you decide to leave or give up
Even if you make me cry ...
[Which happened quite some times]
...I'll still be loving you.

Bottom line :
I don't want anyone
To just have "fun" or get psysical with
Or spend some time with.
I intend on sharing
And spending my days,
My life with someone.

The One in one word?
If he ever comes across this... :
You .

Pov : Relapses

"What do you do ...
...When you become too scared
Too scared to Live
Too scared to Die
Too scared to Love
Too scared to even Care?"


Diaries , blogging became a part of me...
There I reveal what I usually do not tell to people.
I needed...I need this .
Not everything is completely perfect
Or painted in bright collors

No one is happy all the time...
Some wear masks to cover it up
As for me...

I can't hide it, it's like they read me
By looking at my eyes
Or reading me like a book.

...I needed to write out everything,
So these words are for anyone who feels like this
It's hard to spill out these type of feelings.

I hesitated long enough, but here goes;
Recognizing and facing situations
Is one step to recovery
...Right?

I wish you would know...
That I miss my smile, my true smile.
I wore it at the Summer of 09, but then I lost it
I am aware of what I've been through.
My mind is a rollercoaster.
I felt like I never recovered it fully.
It's like a wound that's trying to heal

Almost everynight this huge sadness
Appears as a unwanted guest
It makes me feel useless.
It makes me feel worthless.
It makes me feel unpretty and worse.....
It makes me feel like something is constantly wrong
Afraid of a lot of feelings and of people too.
It's in my head, it's in my mind...
My thoughts are my own enemy.

So... I want myself back!
Dot! I want to get back on my feet.
I wasn't like this. This isn't me.

...If it means being treated
In some way, somewhere, so be it.
People just don't see that
I need to do something about it...
It seems like they're blocking/stopping me from it.
I need to change something in my life.
I don't want this to go to a extreme.
It gets to the point when it exausts me!
So I definatly do not want to spend more months
Or even one more year with this.

If someone can relate,
I sincerely hope you get better
And above it, tell me.
I do not judge.
Please...
Let's fight this together.

sábado, 9 de outubro de 2010

Pov : Best Friends I

" Everyone hears what you say.
Friends listen to what
You have to say...
Best friends listen
...To what you don't say! "

(A random yet truthful quote that I've found)

I've been thinking about this for some time.
What makes someone from a regular friend
To a best friend?
And more, what defines a best friend?

My answers and opinion on the matter
I had some "best friends" although my life...
Since primary school I had one even
As I mentioned before , I used to isolate already
It was this girl I used to kinda trade messages
And drawings with. I lost contact with her
As we both went to other school.

Then years passed ...
And I didn't have a stable
Bestie, Best Friend Forever (Bff), Best Friend..
Or however you call it...
It's not something you just say and that's it
I mean, like a friend,
A best friend must earn that place.

I personally think that what matters
Is that you have friends.
And if not,
That you have a supporting family


Someone that helps you
In both good and bad times...
That gives you advice,
That supports you in your decisions
And if not, that shows his/her opinion...
Not only for the fun/partying times
But for the serious and hard times too.
Someone you can share your secrets
Your victories and defeats
That does not betray or isn't selfish.
For me, that is my definition of a best friend

(I shall continue
My thoughts in another post...)

quinta-feira, 7 de outubro de 2010

Pov : Long Distance

" I fear no distance...
I fear no diferences between us "


This is a subject that people discuss
And talk about quite often.
What? LDR's.
I personally think each case is diferent
I can't say to someone's face that will surely work
Or surely fail. It depends.

It can be...
1.1. - Distance from state to state
1.1.1. - Distance from city to city
1.1.2. - Distance from country to country
1.1.3. - Distance from continent to continent

What I don't like it's when people bash
Someone who is in such situations...
It depends of whoever is on them.
And I've seen/heard quite some...
...Arguments from people :

1. You can't see nor touch the person...

2. It's NOT possible to fall in love
With someone FAR away

3. It just won't work!

4. It's a online thing...

5. Either jobless or underage people
Are not adviced
to maintain something as a LDR...

6. Part 1 : Why aren't you interested in someone
From your own city/country ?

Part 2 : You're beautiful,
We could go out at night have a drink
On the weekend and have some fun.

Part 3 : (leaves phone number)
Kiss.

7. The person can cheat or find someone else.

" I believe in Love, so I am supportive.
I think I already mentioned
In one post in this same page
Called Religion versus My Beliefs
You may check it out if you want... "


Now answers from my point of view.

1. Alright, can't touch...
Is it everything in a relationship?
Some people don't even expect to be in such situation
Of distance. It happens.
In those cases let's face it...
Tecnology can be and is helpful.
Even letters are.

+ Language isn't a barrier either
As most countries or people learn english
And even if that's not the case,
They could learn eachothers language.

+ You should ask yourself if you're willing
1.1. To wait
1.2. To move to another city/state/country.
Someone has to take that step I believe...

2. It is possible and it happens.
Some just don't find love or "true love"
In their own city even country.

3. This one is really common...
It won't work if you're either not dedicated
If things aren't discussed between the two persons
If one stops believing/ loses faith.
Because it can work with pacience, comunication
Trust and effort.

4. This is even more common.
I've seen/ heard this one a lot.
I already stated some of my points of view above
Whoever says that, either...
1.1. wasn't in that situation yet
1.2. or had something that failed.

But like I said previously,
It depends of the persons in it
And of the points I said above too
(Trust, effort, comunication, pacience)

5. "Are not adviced" ...
They could even work
But it would something rather tough to maintain.
Not impossible, tho.

6. Part 1 : Just not interested.
Like I said things DO happen
And a person is not forced to fall in love
With someone from the same country or city.

Part 2 and 3 : No.
For me that seems like a convo
From someone who wants a flirt and such...
I personally do not approve, nor my conscience does.

7. Unfortunately, there is that possibility.
But we trust enough not to.
One who loves is faithful...
Otherwise I don't think it was the true, real love....

I shall leave some quotes and such...



" Love knows no bondaries.
Love knows no distance
Is not judging and selfish either ".







" Out of sight is just...
Out of sight.
Never out of someone's heart ".


"If it is meant to happen,
Sooner or later...
God will allow it to happen ".

Pov : Life Purpose

We are meant to do something
Something great...


Like I said in one post...
1. Relationships : Friendship, Family, Love
We already make a change in people's lives by being born
And placed on Earth.
Then when we start meeting people , going to school
And having friends.
We can positive or negative influence and effects on lives.
Then towards a significant other
(by that I mean boyfriend/girlfriend,
husband/wife or family, even children)

2. Vocations, second purpose
We all have something we enjoy doing
So focus on that too, it can be really good
Not only for you, but for others as well.

Whether it's arts related
(painting, drawing, sculping, acting,
writing, make up,....)
social works
(psychology, sociology, being a volunteer,....)

And others such as...
(cooking, photography, music,
modeling, health related jobs)

3. Set your goals :)

4. Religion
Many people seek for their path
In religion praying to their God or Gods
They search for answers for the questions they have
And seek forgivess...
In religion.

You can bring happiness to people's lives
You have value
And you can make the diference!

Wake up Call II

One day, the nurse appeared
And I asked her what happened
She said "You were hit by a car..."
It was something diferent from the other reality I knew
Two old ladies tried to support me that time.
Less than a week later, the nurses called me
Gave a robe and a wheelchair. I had been transfered.

New place. Nice people.
I could wheel around in there.
Then I used another thing,
But I was still getting used to it...
My mom was able to appear more
And explained me the situation in detail.

-- I was crossing the crossroad to the mall
I was with my mp3 on and two sirs in a jeep
Like this one...



Did not saw me...and I was knocked out by it
She said according to them that I said my name
Then went unconcious --

Afterwards :
I spent two weeks in total in there
Did a exam in my head (it was swollen)
Got a tooth removed.
Music was still my company in those times.
I missed my friends and family
I missed my home.

Back at home :
My hip was still injured but it recovered
After some time.
I was glad to be alive at least
I learned once
Not to take things for granted...

Wake up Call I

My turning point...
It was May 19th.
Or so they said...

...I woke up at a hospital bed
I couldn't turn my head...
Otherwise I'd start feeling dizzy
Like I was going to fall...
My first reaction was to look to everything that surrounded me
Curtains, IV, few people around me in other beds.

I looked at my wrist...
The orange bracelet had my full name,
Adress, my mom's number and my age...
I was...confused... (???)

"18? I turned 18 already?"
I started to check my body.
I had a sort of reduced robe covering me along the sheets.
My finger had a wound, still a scar today
I had a IV (I think it's called IV in english)
Attached to my other wrist...I wouldn't eat much.

My hip was hurt, I could barely move it
My head was hurting like hell...
I couldn't remember anything...
The more I tried, the more my head would hurt.
All was foggy...memories were distant.

Then I checked the small table next to me
There was my suitcase, and a big brown envelope.
More information was there, I needed to know...
...Head trauma.

I had to almost all the time
Stay in that bed and push the bottom
A nurse would appear in case I needed anything...
I only saw my mother once per day for some minutes.

Pov : Bullying VII (Final Part)

12. Things were getting better.
I risked on a poetry contest...won the first place.
They would give me credits
and apreciate that I wrote poetry
My classmates would say that
I was good at that, PT and English.
Some started to support me.
It was already known that
I still was attending the psychologist...

13. There she told me that I was sad for a long time,
That it was not normal anymore...
Life was going well for me
Except the scars from bullying gave me dificulty to trust
I was often a loner
And most of my poems reflect a piece of that...
Or a certain chapter of my life.

"...My work was not in vain.
...My pain was not in vain.
...My purpose was found".


14. I went to Estágio
(Working experience before finishing highschool)
Things got better, I met new people.
Had my amongst of frustrations,
But I was welcome in there
I felt like I belonged.
For 3/4 months I was there.

15. The Accident and Recovery.
I shall talk about it on another post...
My classmates would call me (like 2 or 3 called)
My teacher called, he was the one
Who told the rest of the class that I was in hospital;

They welcomed me back.
By the end of the grade,
Near the final presentation they stood by My side
Saying it would be alright
(Even the two guys who tormented me)

I was going back and foward,
Back and forward and was clearly nervous.
I suceeded in the presentation.
We all went through separate ways since.

I wasn't bullied again in there.
The staff, the teachers
And all would respect me.
Same with students.
I was done with high school.

--END--

Pov : Bullying VI

7. Poisoned mind....
I won't deny, they broke me.
I would sometimes cry myself to sleep...
There were times when I would shut my mouth
And tell no one about what I was going through
I didn't want to make anyone worried...
Yes, I considered stuff in that time
I was a cutter back then as well...

My body? I was ashamed of it, every time in the bathroom
When my classmates would change clothes for physical ed.
I would lock myself in one cabine and dress there....
Or let them go then I'd change my clothes.

8. Tired body.
12th grade, October 2009 I hit bottom.
I was out of energy, getting out of bed was painful already.
Memories....looking at the mirror wasn't exciting or anything
Going to school was a nightmare...
Cutting went on...they found about it eventually
My bracelets wouldn't cover up the over 30 cuts that I had...
I dropped weight. I wouldn't careless about eating...
Until I reached less than 48kgs...my rings would fall off my fingers...
...
I kept on attending the psychologist's office
But the effects were temporary.
I was tired. My back would hurt without much reason
My legs and mostly my chest/heart area would hurt as well.
It was a alarm...I couldn't stay happy anymore
I couldn't pretend anymore....

9. Revelations.
I was to kill myself....
I didn't.. I failed...my psychologist was really rough at that time
"It is not a painless way to go.
What about your family?
Think about it! I'll be right back".

There I was then...
I threw the razor in the trashbin.
We hugged eachother
She handled me a case with tissues
And said she was proud...

10. Revelations II
I had the guts... I felt ready.
It was time!
I started to get out of my shell.
And told to one of the girls in the class
About...well...cutting,
Suicide pretty much the things...

She said she never knew I was feeling like that
She spoke about me as a cool person...
It suprised me.
It was ironic how I helped my classmates
Through out the years
Yes I would help them...with works and tests...
And those were the "rewards" in the past....

11. Conversion I
I started again...I met a group of girls
(I noticed the style of one of them and approached her)
I asked if I could meet them ;
They agreed and we were a group for some time

They were awesome, one of them was clearly Christian
She said "You listen to agressive, screaming music...
I dare you to bring me your mp4
And I'll give you some sugestions on music.
No wonder you feel so depressed and lost
Listen, God loves you, you just have to learn to accept Him
And let Him enter your life".

Pov : Bullying V

"Too... late...
So tired!
It's time to DO something...?

4. I started attending in 10th grade the school psychologist.
Actually, it wasn't the nicest thing.
I appeared at her office crying my eyes out.
That's how we met eachother.
She was with me for three years.
...I was getting first steps to a depression
I used to self harm as a coping method (cutting)
Because I honestly prefered to just...suffer physically
Than psychologically.
Everything was affecting me...from home...to school
Even my bf at the time, it was like nearly perfect the first months
But after the 6th month, we argued a lot.
I would go meet him near his classroom
He knew it and would leave me there waiting while he was playing on the pc.
Once he texted one of my commited friends instead.
And was capable of not saying anything for weeks and weeks in a row...

5. 12th Grade...almost over?
Depression got worse...
Near the end of 11th grade (May 2009) my bf broke up with me
The feeling was gone he said...11 months I was with him
It took four hard months to recover.
But to be the cherry on the damn top...
One of my "classmates" started to send me rude papers
Saying bad things about me...my style...
Another one of my classmates caught me with a bloody jacket sleeve
And confronted the other girl who sent the papers.

My style was changed again...I was losing the dark colors...
I still listened to the bands.
Once I gave one Slipknot song for them to listen
They were like "Eww...". Oh well...

6. Sick...about physical Ed.
I hardly managed to attend the classes...
On 10th grade to make it up to the things that I failed (grades)
I had to do works, so I had like up to 4 or 5 theorical works to do.
I made them. I had a theorical test too...which I failed a couple of times.
Last time? I studied hard and got a 15 (from 0 to 20 scale)
I done the P.E. things later then others, but made them
Same with math. I had the 3 of 3 modules to do.
I done them all. One in 10th,
Other in 11th and the last in 12th grade.

Pov : Bullying IV

"No matter what I would do it was never enough...
...Things don't have to be this way".


More happened in highschool...
My so-called-classmates would still laugh at me
Specially physical ed. dance class.
I started to not bringing the material, to skip them
And not do any dancing.

I didn't like the way they would stare
And definately not the laughter.
I would skip the class too
The skipping limit was too short...
So I would have to go to class 90% of the time.

The irony...
I was one of the best students in there
Well...at English and Portuguese mostly
Then other subjects as well.
So they would ask me not just for help
But to do their homework.
Which is USING someone.

Group work??
Two things could happen:
I would be picked to do a big part of the work
OR wouldn't be picked at all.

Triggers?
1. I once was in one physical ed class.
No one wasn't picking me again.
...I said, out loud "Estou farta disto!
(I had enough of this!)

...So one of them replied
"Estás farta disto? Olha, se estás farta então mata-te!"
(You had enough of this? Look, if you had enough then kill yourself!)

2. No one would want to be representing the class.
Yeah...so I said I would be.
Things did not go alright so it all went worse eventually.
They said I wasn't good at that that I should leave
And two were constantly picking on me because they wanted to be that.
They pushed it to the limit that they left me crying and
Writting a letter of me going to no longer represent the class.
Three persons were against me. The rest was trying to support me...
I ripped the letter in front of those three, threw it to the floor and said:

"I AM NOT GOING TO LEAVE because you want!
I am not going to allow you to replace my place"


Reactions : They were mad and still commenting
The others supporting me started to...clap...
And scream because they thought I wouldn't actually confront them.
Not to say they started commenting on my bf at the time bla bla you don't love him
"Shut up! I LOVE my boyfriend!!" and turned my back on the person.

End? Months later I did gave up as I was aware it was a lot for me.
I spoke with the class director of the time and told him
Honestly that I couldn't go on but I made sure the class representative
And subclass representative places would go for the right persons
And not the two that were constantly tormenting me.
So that happened and the right people replaced me.

3. Not being a choice.
I once made a wake up call for them...
I wasn't the only one being picked.
So, my teacher told me I would choose the groups
For football I believe.
I chose the worst in my class according to them.
I said to one of "I'd like you to know for once
What it feels like to be a choice
And not to be left out"
Of course they did not understand my action.
They thought I was...insane...

Pov : Bullying III

" Revolved and sad
You never took your time to know...
The real "Me" "


Highschool.
End of Vacations. New school, new faces.
Fresh start? I eventually changed.
I was between agnostic and atheist.
My thoughts? No one was there for me when I was nearly beaten up.
People were there and did nothing.
Not even on the bus stop. Nor in the bus.

People just watched me being made fun of,
The guys pulling my hair...
So I stopped believing someone would be there
Or looking after me.
I started to change...my style became darker.
I started to...listen to other bands
Not the "trendy" things anymore.

My class was like 2 or 3 groups.
So I met some people...it felt so right first.
Until I found out they were making fun of me already
I was the reason for their laughters.
And ...It was behind my back!
When I knew that, I stop being with them.
Only one person in there was supportive
The rest laughed of me (we were 20 in total)
The girls a grade ahead of me made fun of me
They would bring me down as well
Mostly due to my looks.
Then due to my way of walking.

Met my so called first bf who messed me up
By using me. Then another thing
I didn't understood was
That my classmates when they had a bf/gf
No one would made fun of them or comment much.
They would wish them to be happy
...But when I had someone by my side
People would comment even spread rumours.
That happened to the person
I was with after some time.
People were nosey. People were...mean.

I just was myself.
I wasn't messing around with anyone.
Those things alone were hurting me,
So I isolated.

More actions?
Some would leave me behind in Psysical Ed
No one would be pairs with me.
They would give excuses.
I wasn't perfect nor moved like the rest.
But I wasn't rude to anyone...
It was NOW the school subject I hated the most....

I will continue
On another post

Pov : Long Distance

" I fear no distance...
I fear no diferences between us "


This is a subject that people discuss
And talk about quite often.
What? LDR's.
I personally think each case is diferent
I can't say to someone's face that will surely work
Or surely fail. It depends.

It can be...
1.1. - Distance from state to state
1.1.1. - Distance from city to city
1.1.2. - Distance from country to country
1.1.3. - Distance from continent to continent

What I don't like it's when people bash
Someone who is in such situations...
It depends of whoever is on them.
And I've seen/heard quite some...
...Arguments from people :

1. You can't see nor touch the person...

2. It's NOT possible to fall in love
With someone FAR away

3. It just won't work!

4. It's a online thing...

5. Either jobless or underage people
Are not adviced
to maintain something as a LDR...

6. Part 1 : Why aren't you interested in someone
From your own city/country ?

Part 2 : You're beautiful,
We could go out at night have a drink
On the weekend and have some fun.

Part 3 : (leaves phone number)
Kiss.

7. The person can cheat or find someone else.

" I believe in Love, so I am supportive.
I think I already mentioned
In one post in this same page
Called Religion versus My Beliefs
You may check it out if you want... "


Now answers from my point of view.

1. Alright, can't touch...
Is it everything in a relationship?
Some people don't even expect to be in such situation
Of distance. It happens.
In those cases let's face it...
Tecnology can be and is helpful.
Even letters are.

+ Language isn't a barrier either
As most countries or people learn english
And even if that's not the case,
They could learn eachothers language.

+ You should ask yourself if you're willing
1.1. To wait
1.2. To move to another city/state/country.
Someone has to take that step I believe...

2. It is possible and it happens.
Some just don't find love or "true love"
In their own city even country.

3. This one is really common...
It won't work if you're either not dedicated
If things aren't discussed between the two persons
If one stops believing/ loses faith.
Because it can work with pacience, comunication
Trust and effort.

4. This is even more common.
I've seen/ heard this one a lot.
I already stated some of my points of view above
Whoever says that, either...
1.1. wasn't in that situation yet
1.2. or had something that failed.

But like I said previously,
It depends of the persons in it
And of the points I said above too
(Trust, effort, comunication, pacience)

5. "Are not adviced" ...
They could even work
But it would something rather tough to maintain.
Not impossible, tho.

6. Part 1 : Just not interested.
Like I said things DO happen
And a person is not forced to fall in love
With someone from the same country or city.

Part 2 and 3 : No.
For me that seems like a convo
From someone who wants a flirt and such...
I personally do not approve, nor my conscience does.

7. Unfortunately, there is that possibility.
But we trust enough not to.
One who loves is faithful...
Otherwise I don't think it was the true, real love....

I shall leave some quotes and such...



" Love knows no bondaries.
Love knows no distance
Is not judging and selfish either ".







" Out of sight is just...
Out of sight.
Never out of someone's heart ".


"If it is meant to happen,
Sooner or later...
God will allow it to happen ".

Pov : Life Purpose

We are meant to do something
Something great...


Like I said in one post...
1. Relationships : Friendship, Family, Love
We already make a change in people's lives by being born
And placed on Earth.
Then when we start meeting people , going to school
And having friends.
We can positive or negative influence and effects on lives.
Then towards a significant other
(by that I mean boyfriend/girlfriend,
husband/wife or family, even children)

2. Vocations, second purpose
We all have something we enjoy doing
So focus on that too, it can be really good
Not only for you, but for others as well.

Whether it's arts related
(painting, drawing, sculping, acting,
writing, make up,....)
social works
(psychology, sociology, being a volunteer,....)

And others such as...
(cooking, photography, music,
modeling, health related jobs)

3. Set your goals :)

4. Religion
Many people seek for their path
In religion praying to their God or Gods
They search for answers for the questions they have
And seek forgivess...
In religion.

You can bring happiness to people's lives
You have value
And you can make the diference!

Wake up Call II

One day, the nurse appeared
And I asked her what happened
She said "You were hit by a car..."
It was something diferent from the other reality I knew
Two old ladies tried to support me that time.
Less than a week later, the nurses called me
Gave a robe and a wheelchair. I had been transfered.

New place. Nice people.
I could wheel around in there.
Then I used another thing,
But I was still getting used to it...
My mom was able to appear more
And explained me the situation in detail.

-- I was crossing the crossroad to the mall
I was with my mp3 on and two sirs in a jeep
Like this one...



Did not saw me...and I was knocked out by it
She said according to them that I said my name
Then went unconcious --

Afterwards :
I spent two weeks in total in there
Did a exam in my head (it was swollen)
Got a tooth removed.
Music was still my company in those times.
I missed my friends and family
I missed my home.

Back at home :
My hip was still injured but it recovered
After some time.
I was glad to be alive at least
I learned once
Not to take things for granted...

Wake up Call I

My turning point...
It was May 19th.
Or so they said...

...I woke up at a hospital bed
I couldn't turn my head...
Otherwise I'd start feeling dizzy
Like I was going to fall...
My first reaction was to look to everything that surrounded me
Curtains, IV, few people around me in other beds.

I looked at my wrist...
The orange bracelet had my full name,
Adress, my mom's number and my age...
I was...confused... (???)

"18? I turned 18 already?"
I started to check my body.
I had a sort of reduced robe covering me along the sheets.
My finger had a wound, still a scar today
I had a IV (I think it's called IV in english)
Attached to my other wrist...I wouldn't eat much.

My hip was hurt, I could barely move it
My head was hurting like hell...
I couldn't remember anything...
The more I tried, the more my head would hurt.
All was foggy...memories were distant.

Then I checked the small table next to me
There was my suitcase, and a big brown envelope.
More information was there, I needed to know...
...Head trauma.

I had to almost all the time
Stay in that bed and push the bottom
A nurse would appear in case I needed anything...
I only saw my mother once per day for some minutes.

Pov : Bullying VII (Final Part)

12. Things were getting better.
I risked on a poetry contest...won the first place.
They would give me credits
and apreciate that I wrote poetry
My classmates would say that
I was good at that, PT and English.
Some started to support me.
It was already known that
I still was attending the psychologist...

13. There she told me that I was sad for a long time,
That it was not normal anymore...
Life was going well for me
Except the scars from bullying gave me dificulty to trust
I was often a loner
And most of my poems reflect a piece of that...
Or a certain chapter of my life.

"...My work was not in vain.
...My pain was not in vain.
...My purpose was found".


14. I went to Estágio
(Working experience before finishing highschool)
Things got better, I met new people.
Had my amongst of frustrations,
But I was welcome in there
I felt like I belonged.
For 3/4 months I was there.

15. The Accident and Recovery.
I shall talk about it on another post...
My classmates would call me (like 2 or 3 called)
My teacher called, he was the one
Who told the rest of the class that I was in hospital;

They welcomed me back.
By the end of the grade,
Near the final presentation they stood by My side
Saying it would be alright
(Even the two guys who tormented me)

I was going back and foward,
Back and forward and was clearly nervous.
I suceeded in the presentation.
We all went through separate ways since.

I wasn't bullied again in there.
The staff, the teachers
And all would respect me.
Same with students.
I was done with high school.

--END--

Pov : Bullying VI

7. Poisoned mind....
I won't deny, they broke me.
I would sometimes cry myself to sleep...
There were times when I would shut my mouth
And tell no one about what I was going through
I didn't want to make anyone worried...
Yes, I considered stuff in that time
I was a cutter back then as well...

My body? I was ashamed of it, every time in the bathroom
When my classmates would change clothes for physical ed.
I would lock myself in one cabine and dress there....
Or let them go then I'd change my clothes.

8. Tired body.
12th grade, October 2009 I hit bottom.
I was out of energy, getting out of bed was painful already.
Memories....looking at the mirror wasn't exciting or anything
Going to school was a nightmare...
Cutting went on...they found about it eventually
My bracelets wouldn't cover up the over 30 cuts that I had...
I dropped weight. I wouldn't careless about eating...
Until I reached less than 48kgs...my rings would fall off my fingers...
...
I kept on attending the psychologist's office
But the effects were temporary.
I was tired. My back would hurt without much reason
My legs and mostly my chest/heart area would hurt as well.
It was a alarm...I couldn't stay happy anymore
I couldn't pretend anymore....

9. Revelations.
I was to kill myself....
I didn't.. I failed...my psychologist was really rough at that time
"It is not a painless way to go.
What about your family?
Think about it! I'll be right back".

There I was then...
I threw the razor in the trashbin.
We hugged eachother
She handled me a case with tissues
And said she was proud...

10. Revelations II
I had the guts... I felt ready.
It was time!
I started to get out of my shell.
And told to one of the girls in the class
About...well...cutting,
Suicide pretty much the things...

She said she never knew I was feeling like that
She spoke about me as a cool person...
It suprised me.
It was ironic how I helped my classmates
Through out the years
Yes I would help them...with works and tests...
And those were the "rewards" in the past....

11. Conversion I
I started again...I met a group of girls
(I noticed the style of one of them and approached her)
I asked if I could meet them ;
They agreed and we were a group for some time

They were awesome, one of them was clearly Christian
She said "You listen to agressive, screaming music...
I dare you to bring me your mp4
And I'll give you some sugestions on music.
No wonder you feel so depressed and lost
Listen, God loves you, you just have to learn to accept Him
And let Him enter your life".

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